30 Rookie Lesbian Dating Mistakes We Made Before 30 | GO Magazine

I’ll most likely never forget the basic standard lesbian mistake We ever produced. I became puffing on a smoke away from a lesbian dance club, searching all bleary-eyed and angst-ridden whenever an older dyke, most likely about fifteen years my senior, arrived sauntering on over to myself.

“What’s her name?” She asked me personally, leaning against the graffitied concrete wall, taking a much lighter from the woman back wallet like some sort of 1940s swashbuckler.


“Oh, honey.” The mystery lesbian said. “its clear you are disappointed about a female.” She appeared myself long and hard in the sight and dramatically lifted her bushy left eyebrow. “i understand that expression.”

I stamped on my tobacco. “It’s that evident?” We squeaked.

She lit the woman cig and sucked back once again an extraordinary pull of smoke. “Yes.”

I sighed. “Good. Not one of my pals will keep in touch with myself because I drunkenly installed with among their particular exes.” We gazed into my filthy Converse shoes thinking how hell they had gotten so filthy.

Had I blacked away and eliminated walking?

a sluggish laugh stretched by itself throughout the mystery lesbian’s weathered-looking face. “Rookie error.”

“Really don’t see what the big bargain is! They’ve been broken up for two f*cking many years!” We almost spat.

“appear, kiddo. Don’t shit the place you consume.” And simply like that, she was actually gone. I possibly could hear the girl chuckling to by herself as she happily waddled back to the club, making me to stew inside stressed sweats of my personal “rookie blunder.”

Which may have already been the initial newbie blunder I made whenever it found the mystical underworld of lesbian love and intercourse, but i’d like to assure you, it certainly was not the very last. I don’t know about yourself queers, however it took me quite a while to comprehend the complicated policies associated with the ever-complicated girl-on-girl matchmaking scene.

Listed here are 30 newbie blunders we made, that At long last stopped creating by the point we struck 30 and became the seasoned lesbian i’m now. (Though I *might* have the periodic slip-up, but shh).

Oh, and child gays, please study on my personal blunders. I place myself according to the shuttle to make myself personally an un-dateable, red-flag-waving lesbian so YOU can have a significantly better relationship existence than We actually did.

1. Catching thoughts for a woman with a boyfriend.

This only results in a smashed center, a life-long distaste regarding heterosexual-man-kind, and impressive frustration. I made this mistake in high-school and I’m certain it screwed myself upwards forever.

PSA: Women, women, women. You should never fall for a girl with a boyfriend. You’ll receive yourself into all types of problems. At the least hold back until when they break-up and she actually is certain she desires to perform more than simply “practice kissing” to you.

2. Hooking-up with a buddy’s ex.

The earlier lesbian pal that laughed at myself in that life-changing night within club ended up being appropriate. “never shit where you take in, kiddo.”

Seriously, “kiddo,” don’t take action. I am aware it is like there are just ten appealing lesbians in your city and nine of them have actually dated one of your buddies, but often get the only lesbian who has gotn’t, or time outside of the urban area.

Hell hath no fury like a lesbian scorned by certainly one of the woman Sapphic friends. That grudge will last for years and years.

3. connecting with a buddy of a pal’s ex.

I do not care and attention when the lady you would like is actually a friend of a buddy of a friend of a buddy of a pal. If she is at all tethered to a dyke you worry about, remain much, a long way away.

We have been an intense lesbian group. Upset certainly us, annoyed many of us, baby.

(i understand, I know. It sucks. This is why I like currently long-distance; there isn’t neighborhood baggage to stress over.)

4. Trusting a f*ckboi.

If she looks like a Shane, talks like a Shane, and walks like a Shane, it’s likely that she is a Shane.

5. Assuming that because she is a girl, it is difficult for her to be a f*ckboi


I do not care if she’s a butch, a femme, a base, a stud, a lipstick lesbian, a makeup lesbian or a chapstick lesbian—just because she actually is a self-identified lady does not mean she can not be a f*ckboi. F*ckbois enter all forms, dimensions, and designs.

6. setting up with a bartender of the best bar.

It is going to break down and get shameful and you, my personal nice darling, never will be able to enter your chosen bar again, without the need to A) pop a Xanax (which will be an awful idea in case you are having) or B) simply take three tequila shots (which is an awful concept overall).

7. U-Hauling.

I guaranteed my self i might never be the lesbian exactly who u-hauled until I became the lesbian just who u-hauled. Now I am the lesbian who has officially never lasted a lease.

8. Signing leases against my personal better judgment.

Speaking of leases, the amount of times i have dutifully finalized that godforsaken dotted range whenever my personal instincts were shouting “You should not take action! This bitch is actually insane!” is actually unpleasant, to say the least.

9. Wearing my personal girlfriend’s leggings.

“have you been putting on my personal leggings?!” My gf mouthed to me after showing up belated to a yoga class. I found myself in downward dog trying to focus my self. “what is the problem?” I mouthed back.

“we cannot share leggings! It’s unsexy!” She said out loud, startling the Republican lady relaxing in young child’s position to her remaining.

In all honesty, she is correct. Discussing leggings will be the gateway drug to peeing together with the home available. Therefore learn, each time you pee because of the home available before your own sweetheart, a lesbian angel loses her wings.

10. Putting on my personal gf’s denim jeans (without asking).

When you begin getting in difficulty for putting on your own girl’s $300 fashion designer denim jeans without inquiring, you are nearing sis standing. Your own girlfriend will scream at you want you’re her frustrating small brother just who steals each one of the woman great shit. Of course, if


goodness forbid


you happen to appear a lot better than she really does inside her denim jeans, well, soon she will begin planning on you as her annoying little brother which takes all of her great shit. Nothing is sexy regarding the gf associating you with the woman more youthful brother.

It is a guaranteed way to never have gender once again.

11. Using my personal girl’s toothbrush.

When you start discussing a brush, you lose your own identification totally. Before very long you will be some of those weird lesbian partners which have morphed in to the same person. Keep your own individuality, and employ your personal brush, kindly and thank-you.

12. Flirting using my ex-girlfriend’s friends.

It’s an affordable adventure, but trust me. It’s bad karma.

13. Telling my personal sweetheart that the woman friend was flirting with me.


Should your girl’s buddy is slightly flirting to you, only pretend she actually is becoming extremely friendly and never, actually drunkenly inform your sweetheart.

If you don’t desire to be from the middle regarding the lesbian crisis, that is. Which, yes, are enjoyable for 5 mins, but rapidly turns out to be, uh, frightening…

14. Changing my gf’s style.

In the event that you tell your sweetheart she seems sexier in blazers than she does in board short pants, she’s going to resent you for the remainder of your own relationship.

Only keep your mouth shut and accept your girl when it comes down to board-short-sporting lesbian that the woman is, otherwise find a geniune blazer-wearing gf. Because keep in mind: you simply can’t switch board short pants into a blazer, regardless of how hard you take to.

(But you can, for all the record, change a housewife into a ho).

15. creating articles about becoming a crazy girl on the web.

Not just have actually I authored posts describing just what a crazy bitch i’m, but i am pissed-off whenever ladies i am newly online dating assume I’m a crazy bitch. “Well, didn’t you reveal it on the web?” They are going to ask.



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16. Pretending to understand what lesbian gender was actually while I didn’t come with idea.

“Without a doubt i understand just what lesbian intercourse is actually. It really is when um, you are sure that. Like, when a female becomes in addition to a girl…”

17. Pretending we realized ideas on how to scissor as I didn’t come with idea.

“i really like scissoring!” I yelped at age 16 while I believed scissoring intended doing arts and crafts collectively.

18. separating with my girlfriend as soon as we happened to be both on our periods.

Don’t make any sudden decisions if you are both hemorrhaging.

19. getting very envious and possessive toward my girlfriend when another makeup lesbian/femme type inserted the bedroom.

In the event the girlfriend will flirt, she is going to flirt. Functioning like a deranged, hyper-jealous head instance actually going to end anybody from doing anything. In fact, it is going to only aggravate the woman desire.

20. Flirting with feminine police, TSA agents, protection protections, and various other ladies in uniform because I thought they were gay.

We lust after a woman in a consistent, but sadly not absolutely all feamales in uniforms crave after myself.


I adore those very long, pointy Lana Del Rey fingernails. But my personal ex-girlfriend did not appreciate them when I tried penetration with those strong talons.

Oh, the sacrifices united states trend lezzies must produce intercourse! Thank goodness orgasms feel a lot better than acrylic nails taste.

22. Faking an orgasm.

You might be able to fake sexual climaxes with guys, however can’t fool your sex, honey. Learned this option the hard method.

23. unsafe sex, because, you know, “lesbians can’t get STIs.”

I’m surprised We managed to get from my personal slutty stage (I say “slut” in a motivated means! Don’t be concerned!) without finding every STI in the sunshine.

I didn’t have any idea exactly what a dental dam was actually when I had been 21. I imagined it had been something they caught inside mouth area in the dentist. And that I dislike the dentist.

24. Playing into the “helpless femme” stereotype.

Because culture associates womanliness with weakness doesn’t mean I have to play the character. Screw that. We put on lots of makeup, look great in pale red, and that can save myself from whichever catastrophe.

25. Falling in love while wasted at lesbian parties.

“Owen, I’m crazy” I as soon as slurred to my personal best friend in the now-defunct Williamsburg gay club “Sugarland.” Another morning I woke using my heart beating and my mouth as dry once the Sahara wilderness.

I happened to be quickly flooded with embarrassing recollections of pronouncing my personal want to a woman whoever title or face i possibly could not remember. For the next year, I stayed in incessant anxiety about running into this lady once again.


26. phoning my personal gf my personal ex-girlfriend’s name.

Though used to do find a powerful way to get free from this. In the event that you name the girl the ex-girlfriend’s title, simply repeat the annotated following:

“Oh babe, I’m extremely sorry. We labeled as you the woman name because I associate this lady with anxiety and I’m pressured nowadays! You never anxiety myself away, which explains why it seems international to express your gorgeous name whenever I believe stressed.” Works like a charm.

“merely a lesbian could imagine that,” my pal Kevin considered me while I told him how I got out-of contacting my personal girl unsuitable title. He isn’t completely wrong.

27. Thinking I’d a “type.”

We accustomed think I liked women with short hair who had been bigger than me personally. Now I understand I really don’t discriminate.

Butch, femme, base, tall, quick


I prefer a myriad of lesbians (just like the French would state,


). Purr.

28. Playing hard to get.

We accustomed consider if I blew off a romantic date or didn’t text the lady We lusted over straight back, she would like me much more. Then I realized that that video game does not work properly with ladies (no less than not positive, mentally-stable ladies). It simply tends to make the lady genuinely believe that you are a manipulative small twerp, and she doesn’t always have time regarding, okay?

29. dropping up and advising a female regarding the first Tinder big date I had currently viewed her Instagram.

“Oh, yeah, your pet, Fred! He is soooo lovely.”

“how will you know We have a cat known as Fred?”

Crickets. Crickets. And more crickets.

30. Thinking the very first woman I ever before dated was actually the passion for my life and this would we never get over their.

The most important lesbian cut is the greatest, but we promise you, my personal heartbroken baby lesbians, you aren’t likely to get the first girl you date. Indeed, you should not find yourself with initial girl you date. Your feelings are way too out of whack, the stakes are way too high. Plus, to be able to know very well what you truly like, you have to get within and go out as much different ladies as you can.

Thus dried out those rips, babe. You will get over this lady. We big-sister-lesbian vow.